Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-W H Auden
When tomorrow starts without me
When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me
I wish you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too
When tomorrow starts with out me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
The angel said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And that I would have to leave behind
All those I dearly love
But when I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne
He said this is eternity
And all I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But here it starts a new
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past
So when tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart
- David Romano.
If I should go
If should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone
Nor when I’m gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known
Weep if you must
Parting is hell
But life goes on
So sing as well.
-Joyce Grenfell
We were here for a blog!!!
HELLO????
Yes, I know but this is the blog.
The last poem If I Should Go was the last message of a close friend after he got tired of trying. But still left everyone with a message to sing, selfish. Tomorrow starts without me is a poem I don’t know how many times I have heard it in Tom O’Bedlam’s voice because the voice in my head won’t quiet down. And last the funeral blues, this is all I wanted. Everything to just stop but, even I never stopped. Crying, whimpering I kept moving in some direction, not sure if it was forward. Though, I can say I tried my best to stay what people say, “STRONG”. But you want to get in a secret? There is no such thing as strong, they just want you to become inhuman. Venerability scares people, I guess.
Nah, this is not me giving some lecture as to how one should go on in their life. I just wanted to share some experiences which keep returning and are still haunting me. These are not the losses I want to share; I want to talk about the aftermath. Yes, one major factor was the pain, the emptiness, after someone dies, which in my case was more than one. It hurts so much to be the one left behind. Though I kept on showing up mostly as if nothing had happened, at least I tried to. But it was not enough. I’m just going to go down memory lane.
Remember how people often say to ask for help? HELP! To talk about how you are feeling etc.? That’s what I did. I tried to reach out, to ask for help, to talk. Until someone whom I respected a lot said, “You need to get strong. You need to become independent.” I was already feeling like a liability in the state I was in and then someone said this. But thanks, I didn’t know I was weak, just because I was feeling.
Ok, it was out of concern, then someone else got concerned as well. They sent this reel. Thank you, Instagram. So, it discussed how one should share happiness and not grief. How people would abandon those who are sad. In my head read, you have got no real relationships going on. So, just keep faking it, you are not going to make it. I know they never meant it that way, but you cannot explain this to the person who kept getting one shock after another. However, they were not kidding about it.
Then once I had a severe meltdown, in public. And it’s one of the most hurtful things someone said. The person on whose mood swings I spent hours, the friend, I cared about and tried to look after when I was in a better position asked me, “How long are you going to carry on with this drama? How long will your tantrums go on?” It’s been ten months now, but I still can’t look them in the eyes. This person I treated like family came and said this to me who was sitting and crying on the corridor floor. I was so in shock because these incidents kept making the fact that now I am on my own clearer.
Someone else, whom I probably helped raise told me, “So what people died? If someone committed suicide, do I want everyone to sympathize with me?” In all honesty at that point, I at least wanted to be treated as a human. I was oversensitive and lonelier than ever. And these statements just left me wounded.
I lost more than five people last year, everyone I was close to. I called almost every other day, we talked about everything, etc. I don’t want to share those details. But I still just wanted to share these things because I could just not let go of them.
Now most of these happened because I shared. So, does that mean I should not have shared? That I should not have asked for help? No, I am glad I asked for help. I’d probably do it all over again. You too should ask for help if the voices in your head stop singing and start shouting. However, I’d ask you to be a bit careful about whom you let in your life. With whom you share, to whom you show your vulnerable side. But, in situations like I faced, that’s the whole point. The people you could talk to are no longer there. And being someone well composed you don’t know how someone will react to your pain. But it’s fine.
You need to accept the fact that not everyone gets you. Mostly it’s not everyone else’s job to entertain you. Or as someone I look up to told me, “The problem is we want everyone to be sensitive towards us. Which isn’t going to happen.” But still, you can find someone who will be sensitive towards you. The people who care will always be sensitive are caring. But like the incidents I shared, these are people I love and care for and I know they do/did too. They were not sensitive towards my pain and ended up hurting me, though not intentionally. But, we need to accept everyone else is going through something too. So, primarily you need to be sensitive towards yourself.
No one asked me to walk fast or go somewhere when I hurt my leg. No one asks me to get over my allergies as if they don’t exist. But at the same time, it’s me who acknowledges that my ligament is broken. That certain thing will cause an allergic reaction and so on. As much as physical accidents cause physical pain and you need/ take time to heal. So, does psychological or emotional trauma. So, no need to push yourself into thinking that something is wrong.
Wrong, sometimes is to do all these things to ourselves. To stop ourselves, to be inconsiderate towards our own feelings. Life is short, and memories are long. It’s difficult, it hurts a lot. There’s no sign of light, and life is trapped in ice. But won’t you go and hug a crying child? Won’t you sit with it and hold it tight? Won’t you help it? Won’t you let it be, until the pain is gone (If it’s hurt)? Until it finds its parents (In case it’s lost)? As much as one needs to celebrate happiness and sunshine. One also must accept the pain and night. Especially these tangled feelings. Don’t just jump over them, or else you’ll get entangled. But sit with your grief, like you’d if you found your child crying in a dark room crying. Hold it tight in your embrace, pet its head, and tell it that you won’t leave it unattended. Grief is not the monster under the bed, grief is you who was alone on that bed. Don’t leave yourself alone.
THANK YOU for being,
Thank you for living.
