Diving into self
January 24th 2023- Everyone forgot about me, I’m here locked. It’s it’s dark and it’s cold. Why can’t no one hear me. Hello please, is there someone it’s not funny. I don’t want to be here. I..I can’t breathe, please someone anyone please open the door. I don’t know how much time it has been probably a lot probably just few minutes. But it’s unbearable, I’m scared. Shall I just jump from here, that way I won’t have to be stuck here. This this pain will be gone. Yes I should just jump it’s scary to be locked here. And then if they all forgot about me, how long will it take for everyone to.
Oh, someone is here. What the hell was I thinking about. How can I even think about jumping from a third floor balcony ? But that dark room in my head, the one from many years back it keeps pushing me. It doesn’t let me breathe. I have been running from it for always but it keeps coming back. Then jumping from the balcony I would have been saved.
I received some sorry messages, but why are they sorry? For what are they sorry for? They say things that my brain doesn’t understand? They left me and it’s fine. People forget other people, it happens. What’s the big deal about it.
Jan 26th – My closest friend and probably one of the few people whom I can actually talk to us coming. It’s been ages. But my head hurts, it’ll be fine I guess. He says, people didn’t forgot about me, they just couldn’t place my location. They were unaware of where I am. He says they atleast tried to acknowledge the fact that I’m probably hurt because of them.
He makes me understand things, the way they are meant to be I’d be so lost in my thoughts without him. He is like a life jacket for me. Without him I might just sink.
Feb 6th – It’s fine, he’ll to fine. There’s an earthquake in Turkey, He’s in Turkey. I can’t reach him. What do I do. I have tried reaching out to our mutuals no one knows what happened. But everything is going to be alright. He’ll I fine. He have to be fine. Maybe he lost his phone or or something like this. He is fine, right? They keep saying he is no more but how can that be. He promised to come back for summer vacations. He promised, to help me with some translations once he’s back. He always keeps his promise.
Feb 14th – Ohh I received a mail from his ID. He says that I should be more honest with people, that I should drop the act atleast in front of people I consider close. But every word is making me happy because he’s fine. Why won’t he say anything about what’s going on.
He’s apologizing for not being able to get some time, but he is writing a mail. He is taking the time to do that. He says it’s a scheduled mail, if he can’t take time out for a call. We talk to each other weekly and that’s all long calls on weekends. But if either of us is busy we just write each other mails. Don’t know how it started but it has been like this ever since.
Feb 16th – They found him, in the debris. He he couldn’t make it He was sleeping and the earthquake took him with it. She keeps describing him. I don’t want to know what happened to his trustful eyes, the face I looked at and felt at ease. I don’t want to know of his hands and his knees. He is just him and now there’s no chance that he is… This is just an announcement that he is no more. What do I do where do I go? If anything happened I could just talk to him but now, whom do I share.
February 19th – I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I can’t keep up anymore. My head hurts, I am not able to eat a lot. I don’t know what to do. They keep appearing in my dreams. The flashbacks have made me miserable. I’m scared to sleep but I’m so sleepy. What do I do? Where do I go?
I keep asking for help from everyone. I think I’m just going crazy. I have asked people, if I could just sleep next to them. I just want to sleep. But both being awake and sleeping are so horrifying.
12th March – I’m starting to forget things. I can’t keep up with my own self. I don’t you what to do. I keep getting scared, now even lights hurt my head. Where do I go? There’s just no escape. But I need to fight hard, we can figure something out for sure. “We” but I’m just me. What can I do? But I can just pretend a bit that I’m fine.
April 8th – How did this happen? I was going to meet him today for breakfast. We practiced for debates together. Why we first met and when I don’t think there’s anyway of knowing that. We just knew each other since forever. But like this, just doing a flip on stairs he… what am I supposed to do? Where can I go ? He’s more? Is this some sort of joke?
April 28th – During all this time there’s been this one person who probably out of pity sympathy or whatever he calls is love have been helping me. He said he’ll always be there, but I’m afraid of him. But he have kept me sane. Now he says he’ll be gone in two days. And everyone says I’m overacting. Why would he leave so suddenly? What am I supposed to do? Why make someone believe in you ? But I guess it’s better if he leaves, I am probably just a bad luck. But I still don’t want to be alone.
May 7th – Apparently, I have become like a child. I hate being alone, I keep sitting next to someone anyone being held closely. I cry a lot. That’s what someone told me. I guess they are right. It doesn’t matter what and where I’m just scared of everything, I am constantly hugging or holding hands with someone just so I know I am not alone and I’m safe. But obviously that safety nest vanishes as soon as the physical contact is lost and the fear returns. But is there a way to explain this to someone? I’m supposed to be a disciplined, well mannered, fully functioning grownup. I’m an adult this certainly is not how one should behave. But….. that’s the problem there should be no if and but in the first place.
June 3rd – A train accident? What were they doing in the train? They were supposed to be at their home? Just a week ago they came back and now you are telling me that the closest thing to a best friend and his partner couldn’t make it?
Why do I keep making it? Why am I here? How is it true? Nooo
It’s not, it should not, where can I go ? What do I do? Please someone? Anyone? Please wake me up ?
June 8th – I no longer want to be here.. I left my town and am at this new place which is not new. Every place I go to is same. Same blemishes, same darkness same fire same ice. I’m supposed to be at a better place but I’m not. There’s a garden here, with flowers sunflowers are growing.
Why do people see sunflower and think of happiness when they are so sad. They keep moving all around just for some light, some kindness love connection and once it’s gone they just fall down in gloom. I feel like them sometimes. There are also some fruits here. The gardener said, today he is using pesticides and I shouldn’t go out. Maybe I’m a pest as well.
No matter how, I have just caused problems and devastations. What else but a pest can do this. Maybe I should take some of that pesticide as well. Yes, I should do that. I’m a pest. A pest free garden will grow to be much more beautiful and it’ll in healthier as well.
It didn’t taste like what I imagined it will but it hurts, as if coal is traveling down my throat. It’s worse than what I imagined but better than saying bye to people I love.
June 10th – As soon as I woke up, I was welcomed with a tight slap. Maybe because I failed. They say I’m all good but apparently I can’t eat food for next few weeks. What is good about me? Why did I fail? No one cares about my fears, my pain then why? Why about this worthless life? I don’t want this, it’s too burden some.
June 20th – I am in a suburb. There’s a lake about a 5 minute walk from the place I am staying at. I go there once or twice a day. Today, as I was looking at the water, there was a sudden urge to jump and I ended up jumping in the water. Not knowing how to swim. It was still early morning and there were people out there. Someone saw me and pulled me out. An old lady is scolding me, this is the water these people drink. Having to drink from a place where someone died would be so bad. I guess that’s what they are saying.
I can’t focus on her, my thoughts are still sinking in the lake. It was a good feeling. I couldn’t think of anything at all during those few seconds. I want to do this again. Nothing else bothered me those few seconds, those were the most peaceful moments of this year.
I’m back home and I’m scared of myself. I might try something else again. But now I don’t want to. What’s this war of wanting and not, longing for something and running away from that as well. I don’t get it at all. I’m scared of myself, I called someone. I need to talk to someone or I’ll lose it all. They told me to write it out. But I am writing also I’m afraid of writing things down. They leave marks of gloom. Blue ink appears red. Maybe it’ll be better to just stab the pen in my hand then to write with it.
June 24th – I can sleep now. Probably that’s all I have been doing since last few days. I sleep, wake up — cry, eat, wash and sleep again.
1st July – Our classes resumed, I’m back in town too. But I’m still scared to go out. I can’t even make a whole conversation with people. I just keep crying. I don’t know what’s happening. It just hurts so much.
2nd July — Today I went to a pottery workshop. It required me to take some medicine to be able to do it but it went quite fine. It takes my mind of from myself. Maybe I should also start going to University.
5th July – I am at University but I am just overwhelmed, I don’t you what to do. I feel so alone and empty. Am I still me and not someone else? It feels as if I’m misplaced and mismatched.
7th July – Everyone is going to a fast food place I’m going too. But I can’t control my tears or my thoughts. I just can’t stop. My closest friend in the university is sitting opposite to me. She is the reason I decided to start coming back to university. I know she has been trying to cheer me up but I just don’t know, I want to pretend at least for her but I just can’t . As soon as I try to smile and pull my lips my eyes betray me. I don’t know what to do anymore. But I can see her becoming sad. Is it because of me? What have I been doing? What am I doing right now?
If I didn’t die, then it means I’m alive and should be acting like one but I forgot about it.
I’m trying to fit in again. I’m trying hard to be a human.
18th July – An senior from school whom I got close to in last two years chose self exit. He was going through so much and I was just busy in my self. What am I even worth. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost and lonely. We four made a pact that none of us will do anything like this. Though I’m the one who broke it first. I hate him for leaving all of us behind. I hate the people who kept pushing him. I hate myself who couldn’t be of any help to him. If only he could have shared his grief, his problems.
27th July – There’s another suicide, this time of a junior. She was such bubbly girl who choose to become a doctor. I had just met her yesterday before she went home. She was so excited about everything. She looked so happy and now I understand why. She had already decided what she’ll be doing. If only I had a little bit of sense left.
28th July– I cried a lot, created a whole scene in front of people. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lonely, broken, empty. I wish I just ceased to exist. What to do, I have no clue. I keep crying but nothing comes out of it. I am so lost, I keep feeling cold. But I can’t find a way in or out of this. It would be better if I just end up leaving as well. Yes, that’s the only way to end this pain.
But thet I already tried and lost. My stomach keeps hurting, I keep looking at the mark on my hand. What do I do? Should I try again ? My head is filled with these thoughts. What if I fail again ? It’s already bad, I’m like some attention seeker. If I fail again it’ll just make it more profound. But I’ll be free if I succeed. There’s nothing left for me either ways.
5th August– We are still three of us and the pact lives on. They are also in pain how can I betray them once again. I’ll fight with every thing in me. I have started medicines along with therapy. Maybe if one of us can do it, all three of us will cross it. I don’t want my friends to fall, so I won’t fall either. I will work hard.
First few months were bothersome, but I joined groups, spent hours doing everything I could to make my body tired. I learnt various new things, read as if my life depends on it and joined protests, various contests and helped out who ever I saw and felt I could. Though still no matter how fast I ran on occasions it’ll just take over and I was left with nothing. But I kept trying to start again from the first block. I know these blocks are like dominos, one trigger forms a chain reaction but what else can I do but start over once again.
In November I lost another friend and had another failed attempt. Then I again dragged myself into completing a research paper. And till December. Though I kept having breakdowns and cried a lot.
And that’s how I have been doing since then, I sleep, keep my brain busy, and try not to kill my self one more day by giving myself deadlines before being dead. The goal is to atleast survive 635 more days.
(This is a work of fiction with some fractions of a friends diary)
